By Lynnette Nkathah
Relationships in this era of millennials and generation Z has turned out to be so casual and draining. It has become a psychological and emotional game where the “best player” wins. People are picking up and dropping relationships and “situationships” with no remorse nor empathy.
So what is ghosting?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone, be it friendship or dating, and when you think everything is going well, boom! They disappear from your life, like they fell off the face of the earth. They don’t call or pick up, text or respond or even worse, they block you! So that my friend, you’ve been ghosted.
So ghosting is the abrupt and unexplained ending of a relationship by one partner in the relationship. Ghosting can sometimes be confused with “pulling away”. Pulling away unlike ghosting, the contact still exists, only that it’s limited and slowly fading away.
Reason to pulling away could be similar to that of ghosting although today, we’ll focus on ghosting.
Why would someone ghost?
One major reason is, you were not that interesting to them. Just like that, your personality just didn’t mesh up with theirs and their expectations of you and they couldn’t address this to you therefore they opted to disappear. This most often happens after first or second date.
They needed space! Sometimes relationship can be so draining for some people that they opt to take a step back. Alternatively, they could be undergoing personal problems that they wanted to have in order first. Regardless, they should communicated this.
Another common reason could be, they were not as invested in the relationship as you were. This is what these days people call “dating yourself”. And because to them it wasn’t that important or they were not emotional attached to you as you were to them, there wasn’t any restriction from leaving. So narcissistic!
Emotional immaturity is another reason. People who are emotionally immature individuals tend to toy with people’s emotions. This is someone who could be juggling multiple people at a go. Just for them to pick the favorite and leave others high and dry. They lack emotional intelligence, so they don’t think or care if you’ll get hurt. They disappear for few days. And may return at their pleasure. They just lack empathy!
Bad past experiences in love that left them bitter and hurt. So as a way of protecting themselves, they ghost you to avoid getting hurt or being ghosted. Most ghosters have been ghosted before.
Childhood unhealed wounds have shaped their character. Many ghosters have rejection issues. These issues develop into insecurities.
These individuals experienced rejection or abandonment by their parents or guardians. They know what rejection is and know how it feels like when someone just jumps the ship.
This past rejection trauma develops into detachment tendencies. They tend not to be emotionally involved even in relationships. This is in case someone leaves again.
However, unknowingly, these people replicate their experiences on others. They’ll ghost you as a tactic to protect themselves from future abandonment.
What to do when ghosted?
Understand it is not your fault they ghosted you, they just couldn’t handle you. Focus on your own growth and betterment.
Understand they were too immature for you. You deserve better and in fact they did you a favor by leaving.
Get therapy if need be, to be able to process your hurt feelings and heal. This will enable you restore your life.
Surround yourself with people who love you. This will assist you in staying positive. Focus on what makes you happy. Get new hobbies or go for adventures.
What to do when a ghoster return?
Ghosters have tendencies of returning oblivious of their heinous behavior. They come back with calculated excuses.
In case of their return, remember you are in control and it’s your choice to either engage them or completely ignore them.
If you choose to engage them, address them like an interviewee. Let them explain what happened. Beware they’ll come up with all kinds of excuse. Let them explain how different they’ll behave when back into your life. That is if you allow them back in your life.
State what you desire and expect of them.
If you choose not to engage them, simply ignore and block them. Sometimes closing out negative energy from your life provide for adequate space for positive energy. Which is necessary for healing and better relationship.
